inSomiA.....

Last night was the worst ever. I can't imagine myself lying on bed with eyes closed trying to have my rest and unveil a dream. But my head just keep on talking, yeah talking like conversing with somebody inside me. Lot of thoughts about life, future, plans and problems. I really don't know the reasons thought it's my nature. I keep on thinking things to happen the next days of my life. But though, I can still manage to sleep though it would take an hour or two. I thought before it's normal but no it's a symptom of possible chronic illness.
Insomnia is a sleep disorder where one can't find himself close his eyes or rest his mind. It is also considered as mental disorder as specifically the brain works on it. There are three types of insomnia:

1. Transient insomnia lasts from days to weeks. It can be caused by another disorder, by changes in the sleep environment, by the timing of sleep, or by stress. Its consequences - sleepiness and impaired psychomotor performance - are similar to those of sleep deprivation. If this form of insomnia continues to occur from time to time, the insomnia is classified as intermittent.
   
2. Acute insomnia is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of between three weeks to six months.
3. Chronic insomnia lasts from months to years. It can be caused by another disorder, or it can be a primary disorder. Its effects can vary according to its causes. They might include sleepiness, muscular fatigue, and/or mental fatigue; but people with chronic insomnia often show increased alertness.

The causes of insomnia are:

• Psychoactive drugs or stimulants, including certain medications, herbs, caffeine, cocaine, ephedrine, amphetamines, methylphenidate, MDMA, methamphetamine and modafinil
• Hormone shifts such as those that precede menstruation and those during menopause
• Life problems like fear, stress, anxiety, emotional or mental tension, work problems, financial stress, unsatisfactory sex life
• Mental disorders such as clinical depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder
• Disturbances of the circadian rhythm, such as shift work and jet lag, can cause an inability to sleep at some times of the day and excessive sleepiness at other times of the day. Jet lag is seen in people who travel through multiple time zones, as the time relative to the rising and setting of the sun no longer coincides with the body's internal concept of it. The insomnia experienced by shift workers is also a circadian rhythm sleep disorder.
• Certain neurological disorders, brain lesions, or a history of traumatic brain injury
• Medical conditions such as hyperthyroidism and Wilson's syndrome
• Abuse of over-the counter or prescription sleep aids can produce rebound insomnia
• Poor sleep hygiene
• Parasomnia, which includes a number of disruptive sleep events including nightmares, sleepwalking, violent behavior while sleeping, and REM behavior disorder, in which a person moves his/her physical body in response to events within his/her dreams
• A rare genetic condition can cause a prion-based, permanent and eventually fatal form of insomnia called fatal familial insomnia

Mine was a bit not that hazard. Maybe because of stress and problems, too much problems that led to what just happened last night. I had my eyes closed at 11 but took 3 and a half hours before i had a real sleep. One thing i noticed also is when i could take a nap during day time, it occurs as well as every time i start sleeping a bit late at 10 or 11. Maybe i have to try sleeping a bit early. Wish tonight i can have a better one.

cOnfeSSion...

thursday, May 15, 2008... aT last, i spoke up! I told everything and what my soul wanna say. Everything including the heartaches and how i felt like being betrayed and fooled. I need explanations and i only got unconvincing one. I found it 'O.A.', i mean the conversation and how i opened up as i have never done such. I was the quite one as i have said but that was the day that i learned to speak up.
I felt relieved after despite the fact that i was shaking while having the talk. Ashamed? Definitely i was but i didn't bother since it was the very thing i wanna do for the last time while in the office. I don't want to end with such hard feelings that will surely keep me haunting. At least now we have the closure. I don't care about the friendship anymore as it was not given value.
friday, May 16, 2008... But there's one more thing to do to keep me at peace. I already opened to have the situation opened to our boss and so i did. I sent a text message telling what happened and possible thing to happen. I explained everything and how i myself was fooled, no knowledge at all about the crime=like event.
Afraid? I was so for her. I don;t know what will happen on their confrontation and certainly investigation. Trust can never be found in them as betrayal was done. All i wish and pray is the problem be solved and both have peace and gain that trust to each other.

bEtRayaL...

Three weeks had passed when a cold war began inside me. It keeps on haunting me for the passed days as i can't convince myself it happened. Until now, my mind is wrangling whether to accept or reject the truth and do what's right or not right but for good.
I'm a quiet type of person. I don't speak up everytime i have heartaches and problems. And with that, i can't see myself in a confrontation to initiate by me. It's actually the reason why i come up with this blog account and sad to say, I'll have my start with a a sad tale.
As i have said, it was 3 weeks before today when i discovered something not right. I wont tell name/s since i still consider the person/s part of me. We are enjoying ourselves for almost 6months together. We talk alot about life, family, dreams and experiences including the moments we had together with our friends. Though there are times we felt bored with what we are doing, we still manage to laugh in a day. And there are times we hate what we are doing, we still manage to perform our task. For 6months, i got to know more of the person/s.
Then that day came, when i noticed something suspicious. A big amount is missing. So i did the checking. I double check and triple check cause i don't want to accept the truth that an amount is being corrupted. But at the end, i found myself slowly killing by the small bite of reality.
Then thoughts signal me. Confusions and doubts fit in. Was all part of the game? A brilliant deception where i got caught and trapped?Was everything fake and was i not treated more than a somebody?The questions keep rattling inside and i can;t help myself.
I can't make my move that took me 2 weeks to ask. I waited as i considered that it might be replaced and paid on our pay-day but it was not. I was then furious but still managed to calm myself. i became more quiet and was trying to show my anger. But i was neglected. So i raised my questions and announced my resignation. But it seems nothing, with no clear answer at all.
The third week, i continue to be quiet and furious deep inside. I can't continue to be this way. I'm killing myself for a possible heart problem or mental break down. So i asked a good friend an advise what to do just last Friday. And what to expect, i was advised to speak up to peel off the pain and everything. And i said i will.
I am supposed to do it today but the person/s did not come. So I'll have it tomorrow to ease up the burden in me and clear things up before i leave. Goodluck!

Lesson: "Never give your full trust to persons you don't know and more to whom you know as they know u and how to betray you in silence. "

"Nevertheless, learn how to trust and you, given that trust, should value it."

Welcome!!

Mabuhay!
This blog is intended for my personal issues, no business talk at all. Well, i'll be a little open, not totally, so definitely not that naked as being advised from a blog i've read. I'll be talking in here life with no pretense and speak out my thoughts about things. so help me welcoming you all in this little world of my own for everyone.
So long!